Tag: space

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Estelle: (Oh boy, here we go again)

Estelle: Ralf, everyday you come in for a new job and everyday you come back a miserable failure. You CAN'T KEEP doing this.

Ralf: Because there's a LIMIT on reapplication?

Estelle: NO, because there's a LIMIT to how much UGLINESS I can witness.

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[Ralf's job attempt #532]
Ralf:(Hover cab test driver... Hm. I like driving...

Ralf: Are these targets on this suit?
Science Xyoan: Yes, they track motion

Ralf: HEY! This steering wheel doesn't work!

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[ {Ralf's Log: Before destroying Earth, I feel I should explore it and its people.} ]

[ {Ralf's Log: ...to judge RIGHTLY I must not overlook ANY important information...} ]

[ {Ralf's Log: ... sociopolitical... historical... meteorological... biological... } ]

[ {Ralf: Computer, does Earth have any small, FLUFFY animals?} { Computer: Please define FLUFFY.} ]

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[ {Ralf: Gothra, this is Ralf... Open hanger bay 782, please.} ]

[ {Radio: This is Gothra's avatar... You'll need to submit your security code.} {Ralf: WHAT?! There's no security code!} ]

[ {Ralf: Xyoans are technopaths and... HEY! Wait! I'M the CAPTAIN! You let me...} {Radio: Code, please.} ]

[ {Ralf: GREAT! I have ONE crew member! They're a ROBOT and there's STILL a mutiny!} ]

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[ {Wife: Honey, it's two A.M., come back to bed.} {Husband: I can't sleep...} ]

[ {Husband: First the sky is dark, then it's light, then dark, light, dark... What on EARTH causes that?!} ]

[ * ]

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[ Soon I shall fulfill my mission and triumphantly return to the Galactic Council, where I will be heralded as a HERO! ]

[ Imagine THAT! I'll be FAMOUS and everyone will want a piece of me. ]

[ * ]

[ What's this Universe coming to, when you've got to BLOW UP a WHOLE planet just to get people's attention? ]

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[ Okay, I'm here to destroy Earth; I've got the gun and the mandate... All I have to do is push this button to start the sequence. ]

[ Okay, I'll just press it NOW... I mean, NOW! Drats... ]

[ I'm going to do it... I'm going to do it... NOW! No, NOW! Now! No, really, NOW! ]

[ I wish my conscience and my ambition had more in common. ]

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[ Poised over Earth in this expansive dreadnaught, I wonder about the task I've been assigned... ]

[ My natural distrust of others, along with the ease and expense of this mission, seem a bit unsettling. ]

[ I should probably just trust the council, destroy Earth and be done with it. And yet... ]

[ *sigh* Nothing slows down the wheels of progress like paranoia. ]

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[ Here I stand, Ralf the Destroyer, poised to obliterate a whole world. In the silence of this massive war ship, I contemplate Earth's future. ]

[ Are its people consumed with the destruction of each other, their world and galaxy? From here it seems so beautiful... ]

[ I guess beauty is really in the eye of proximity. ]

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[ So the Council made me, Ralf the Destroyer, judge of Earth. Actually, they call all of us "Xyoans" Destroyers. We're really a very gentle people. Sure curiosity may have led to the eradication of 16 solar systems and 9 suns... ]

[ But those were purely accidental... ]

[ People say, "It's the thought that counts ", but they rarely mean it. ]

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Ralf: Wow! Me, Ralf the Xyoan, judge of an entire world on behalf of the Trans-Galactic Council and given a ship with enough firepower to destroy the Earth with one plasma blast.

Ralf: Which I'm hoping they won't take personally.

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Ominous Voice: Like a galactic predator, the Noropian flagship "Gothra" (a continent sized battleship) approaches Earth cloaked in the Moon's shadow...

Ominous Voice: Size - 1000mi across, Plasma Cannon - 1 Zettwatt, Purpose - Destroy Earth, Sole occupant - Ralf the Destroyer

Ralf: I just love the reverb on this PA system

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[ The Destroyer is coming! ]